Tea Tossing

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In what can only be called an attack on decency and all that we hold dear as loyal citizens of the Crown, terrorists in the Massachusetts Colony have dumped a substantial amount of quality tea into Boston Harbor, in an attempt to force Mother England to rescind what they call Taxation Without Representation, specifically, the current tea tax.


Dressed as the uncivilized savages that previously inhabited this area of the New World, the terrorists sent crates and crates of tea overboard and into the drink, causing black, oil-like spills that crept out of the Harbor and all along the eastern seaboard. Although impact on the environment is still being determined, early reports cite frenetic, caffeinated schools of fish darting nervously about and mounting random attacks on fishing vessels. On the plus side, local fisherman Jonathan Smith has reported a marked increase in demand for his beverage creation “Sea Tea,” which apparently provides the jolt of energy previously enjoyed from a good cup of Earl Grey.


His Royal Highness and the British Army have released this joint statement We will not rest, we will not tire. Those responsible for this heinous waste of good tea will be brought to justice, and it will be swift and brutal. We can have only zero tolerance for this kind of traitorous activity in our remote Colonies. As this proclamation is being released, already hundreds of powerful sailing ships, armed with state-of-the-art musketry and cannons, are making the long, treacherous journey across the sea to find and destroy the terrorists wherever they may hide. Make it known that if you aid or abet a terrorist, you are a terrorist. You are either with us, or with the terrorists. The King then played a round of croquet, executed a few prisoners, and took a nap.


The retaliation against these terrorists has the full funding and endorsement of the House of Lords, the House of Parliament, and especially the Wainwright Battle Shipbuilders Union Local 11. Patriotism is at an all-time high, in London and the outlying burgs, with British citizens proudly displaying the Union Jack in carriage windows, on lampposts, in taverns, and pasted on the backsides of horses. Some creative types have fashioned sandwich boards, placards and signs supportive of the pending military strike. Examples include NO VEXATION WITHOUT RETALIATION and ARENT COLONIES MADE BY ANTS?”


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His Royal Highness wishes us to mention that all loyal citizens should keep a keen watch of their neighbors, friends, guests from foreign nations, and those who disagree too loudly with the Crown. Accomplices of the tea-tossers could be anywhere.


All this is well and good, however are these “savages” really as bad as they seem? Have we done anything to provoke acts of this nature? I propose the following We are to create a contingent of trained inspectors who will go into the colonies. Then we will know for sure the reasons for the tossings, and if we have anything to fear from any future tossings. Who knows, there could even be hidden tossings going on right underneath our noses. Then, they will file all their reports into his Royal Highnesses paperwork file. When his Majesty finally gets the papers, he will look over them carefully and present them to the House of Parliament. Finally, Parliament will vote on further action as needed. (If there are dissenting opinions, the holders of said opinions will be banished to France.)


Now, you might look at these and think that this is an extensive and senseless process, but it is necessary to have solid evidence that no more tossings are actually going on. Why you might ask?


First, if we have nothing to fear from future tossings, then what is the sense in going over there? The resolution has been declared that all tossings are to be halted at once, and the inspectors will ensure that this is being done. Once all the tossings are fully halted, we will all be able to return to the peaceful times.


Second, what are we really after here? Do we want total domination of these colonies? How can we be sure that this is just about the tossings? Perhaps we are just after their supply of tobacco, or more direct control of their lands? How can we be sure of the king’s motives?


So it is very simple, we need to not be rash in our actions, blazing with fury into one of our colonies with troops and all. Instead, we must see what is actually going on, and then decide on a course of action once more tossings….I mean…when we have all of our details correct and verified.








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